What to Say and Do When Someone You Love Has Cancer

If someone you love has been diagnosed with cancer it's often hard to find the right words to say that will be encouraging and comforting. Family, friends and caregivers face their own fears and may feel helpless when their loved one is undergoing treatment and recovery. Knowing what to say and what to do can make all the difference in the world to someone who is facing the toughest battle of their lives.

When Lori Hope was in the midst of her own cancer battle, she became inspired to help others understand what cancer patients are going through emotionally. As a documentary filmmaker, her initial inspiration was to make a film about the subject of what to say and do around cancer patients. A friend told her that the skills required to make a film were also the same for writing a book, so she decided to write Help Me Live: 20 Things People with Cancer Want You to Know (Celestial Arts; 2005).

In the book she writes, "The purpose of this book is not to prescribe specific words or behaviors, but to open a world of possibilities, to give pause for thought." She writes that what may bring comfort to one, can crush another, and cancer patients experience a range of emotions and mindsets depending on what is going on during any particular time. A cancer patient may feel one way on one chemotherapy day, and feel completely different another day. There is no black and white in how someone with cancer feels.

Here are some of the things that cancer patients want to you to know and some ways to help them through the fear and uncertainty of battling this disease.

Don't share horror stories
When someone tells you they have cancer, sharing a horror story of someone you know who died from that particular cancer is probably the worst thing to say in response, says Hope. Instead, offer inspirational stories that you know of or have heard on TV or read about in a magazine. Horror stories only increase anxiety and fear.

Don't disappear
If you're afraid that you'll say the wrong thing, you may be tempted to just steer clear of the person with cancer. If you don't want to be around in-person, send them an encouraging e-mail or card in the mail just to let them know that you're thinking of them. But don't completely disappear and cut off contact because you're afraid of saying or doing something "wrong."

Offer specific help
Hope says that it's better to offer specific things that you're willing to do to help versus offering generic help. For instance, instead of saying "Let me know if there's anything I can do to help you," try saying "Can I pick up your son from soccer practice this week?" or "I'm going to the grocery store tomorrow, can I pick anything up for you?" or "Can I do some research on treatment options for you?" Hope says that a lot times it can feel awkward for someone to ask for specific help, but they are much more likely to accept your offer if it's specific.

Ask permission before offering advice or news
Don't just freely offer advice or news; ask their permission first. Hope also says not to tell the cancer patient to "think positively." It's not always easy to think positively when you've been traumatized by a cancer diagnosis. Give them permission to feel whatever emotions they are feeling at that moment.

Seek support
If someone close to you has cancer, you're dealing with your own fears and anxiety. But try not to express those fears to the person with cancer. "You may be terrified you're going to loose them," says Hope. "Seek support from other friends and family, not the cancer patient."

Find Cancer Support resources at the Weill Cornell urology department website.