After Cancer, Finding the True Meaning of Manhood

The New York Times has a great post up on its Well Blog by Dana Jennings, a 52 year old man who survived Stage 3 prostate cancer two years ago but is left dealing with one of the most common side effects: erectile dysfunction.

After a radical open prostatectomy, radiation and hormone therapy, it’s still difficult to get the old engine of desire to turn over. And now that I’m dosing my post-treatment depression with Zoloft — which also disrupts sexual function — sometimes I can’t even find the key. Oh, and my testosterone level is low, too....

It’s not that I’m ready to fold up my tent. We are sexual creatures, after all, and I am working with my surgeon to reclaim that part of myself. In the past two years, though, I’ve insisted on trying to learn what having cancer could teach me. And here I’m just trying to understand, trying to articulate, what it feels like to be damaged goods in our oversexualized culture.

Jennings has been forced to reconsider what it means to be a man after losing the ability to have sexual intercourse. It's a problem that many of you who've gone through radical prostatectomies have dealt with on a personal level, as you get past the elation of survival and start dealing once again with the problems of everyday, normal life.

For better or worse — probably worse — our culture is oversaturated with sexuality.

The greedy objectification of the body — in both women and men — accelerates, speeding so fast that the objections can’t even be heard over the roar of the mass media.

We are told to worship washboard abs and Everest biceps, improbably perky breasts and buns of titanium. It sometimes seems that every image spewed forth by the electronic media resonates with just one unsubtle subtext: sex.

But while loss of sexual function is undoubtedly painful and disturbing psychologically, does it make you any less of a man? Jennings' answer should be read carefully by prostate cancer survivors who are dealing with the same issues.

True manhood is about love and kindness. It’s about responsibility and honor, about working hard and raising your children the best way you know how, with love, respect and discipline.

Yes, my erectile function is still a work in progress, but I don’t feel diminished; I don’t feel that I’m less of a man. My voice is still as deep as a well, my eyes a steely blue. I still relish a strong stout, and I can hold forth on the arcane points of the safety blitz....

True intimacy isn’t about the hydraulics of the flesh.

Jennings goes on to say that his relationship with his wife has actually become more intimate, the result of facing a tough situation together. As a couple, they stared death in the face hand-in-hand, and came out of the experience deeper in love than they'd ever felt before. It's a truly inspiring read.